I think I'll be taking an internet break for a while. We've got a lot going on the next few weeks. I may or may not check in/ post, but I have a feeling I'm going to be scarce.

The ObGyn sent me a note in the mail saying that my thyroid, blood chemistry, etc are normal, but my insulin is not. :-( I have insulin resistance and she thinks it's contributing to my cycle irregularities and weight problem. "Medication may help" so she'd like me to come in to discuss. I must admit to being disappointed and dismayed. I do not want to be diabetic.

I checked out a book at the library called The Other Diabetes which I am reading now, and trying to develop a more concrete action plan for controling my blood sugar. For example, more fiber, increased activity after meals, continued weight loss, etc.

You can read it here.

It's a full moon, which seems to make me a bit crazier than normal. Compounding the issue, I'm also on my period, and the seasons have begun to change. I feel unusually spiritual, mystical even. I light candles and say affirmations. I say short prayers, wondering if there is a God, does he listen to my prayers, and does he care that I doubt "his" existence?

I long to type, to write, to ramble. I read voracously. I surf the net. I visit my friend Tiffany's blog, read her poetry, and I know she's feeling it too. What "it" is exactly, I'm not certain. I'm unable to define the experience. I feel like I am dying and gestating myself all at once. It's fall. Winter is coming. The Dark Season. The Veil between the Worlds grows thin...

I hate labels. I know that I do not fit neatly into any one box, and it irritates me. I realize that my belief fall most closely to Paganism, but I am loath to denounce Christianity. I accept Jesus the man, but doubt the existence of Jesus the God. I feel the courses of the seasons in my veins, I feel strangely connected to the Earth Mother, the Warrior Goddess, the Crone. I light candles and look to the moon and planets for guidence. Yet I still pray to the Father, recite the Hail Mary, and call upon the saints. I know that if God is as many Christians believe, jealous and angry, if you must accept Christ the God to find everlasting peace, I am probably a cursed woman. It doesn't seem to matter to me. I must live my life as I feel called. I love myself and I love the Deity, concealed and unknown though s/he may be.

I've always loved Halloween. All Hallows Eve. All Souls Day. All Saints Day. October 31st just seemed like a magical night. I loved the costumes and makeup and parties, and cookies and candy. It was a holiday that seemed to be extra special, in a way that other holidays were not. That's not to say I didn't love other holidays. But Halloween has always held a special place in my heart. I know today that there are some who say that Halloween is a Sabbat, a very significant pagan holiday. The Veil between the worlds is thinnest. No matter what the reality of the matter is, it's a special time of year. The perfect time to clear out old, dead growth, to cleanse and purify myself and my home. An ideal time for extra reflection and nurturing oneself. Planning for the future.

Regardless of the season, it looks like some transitions are coming our way. Nick may be looking for a new job very soon, which may mean a move. I hate to move. I am happy here, where we are. But if we must move, then that is what we will do. Again. For the 5th time in as many years. Did I mention I hate to move? We've discussed (over and over again) the idea of moving back to MI. It is extremely unlikely. We like living here in the Bay Area. The climate is great, we (excepting the horrible move of recalling the governor and electing a republican) feel good about the political climate. We've made good friends and lots of work connections. Really, there are lots of reasons to stay, and only one to go back to MI. One big reason, but not big enough, at least not at this point. Some other possibilities include Colorado (mostly likely the Greater Dever area) or Georgia. We've also discussed New York and a few other places, but really, we both agree that the Bay Area is our best bet jobwise.

So, the hope is... That we either get Nick's resume buffed up and beautiful, and he gets an awesome job right here in the area, or he finds the perfect position with NREL (National Renewable Energy Laboratories) in Golden, CO. Alternatively, we'd be pleased to move back to MI if he could get a Linux systems adminstration job that paid $60K/year+ (with benefits and 401K) in Ann Arbor MI. Any takers?

Can I just say how much it SUCKS that I'm not going to make it to my cousin's wedding two weeks from now? I was so looking forward to going, and I feel really, really badly that I wont make it. Rocky is the absolute best cousin, and he's like a brother to me. He even lived with us for a while, back when. He's found the sweetest bride, and I know he loves her more than the world. I wish them all the happiness in the world, and ten thousand blessings in their journey together.

My life is fairly chaotic right now. Lots of stuff going on. Several of Jade's classes have started- Taekwando, Drama, Science, Storytime at the library, plus our cooperative academy day. Which would be cool, except that my car is broken down right now, so I am limited to walking, biking, or public transit most of the time. I am hopeful that Nick will get my water pump replaced by next Monday.

In addition, I'm having a health issue. Major lower pelvic pressure/ discomfort for about ten days. I finally went and saw an AWESOME ObGyn last week who ordered a bunch of bloodwork and an ultrasound. She suspects that I have an ovarian cyst. I tend to agree, but we'll see if they'll tell me anything tomorrow. The pressure significantly diminished after I ovulated and my basal body temperature began to rise, which is GOOD.

On the up side, I started a new food-based vitamin which seems to be positively affecting my mood and general well-being. We also had a pretty good evening tonight. Jade was having lots of meltdowns, so I fed her dinner around 6:30, stuck her in the bath at 7, pulled her out and brushed her hair at 7:30. Daddy arrived home shortly thereafter, and we all read some bedtime stories. I laid down with her for maybe ten minutes and she was out! Woohoo! Nova is still up, but she's being a sweetie, just toddling around and playing a bit. Nova is really into babies, which is pretty funny. I think that "baby" is her favorite word. She wouldn't let us leave for the store the other day until she had found her baby. Very cute.

It's 6 am. I've been awake for about an hour. How about you?