I'm what you might call a cradle catholic. Both my parents are Roman Catholics, and had me baptised as an infant. We went to Mass on a pretty regular basis most of the time. In second grade, my parents decided to send me to the local Catholic school. So I could get a better education, of course. There I learned all kinds of things... For one, I was expected to meet very high academic expectations. Competition was high, so I discovered the best way to get things done was to cheat. Of course, I got caught and was horribly humiliated. Another thing I learned was that nobody like someone who wasn't good in sports. Therefore, one should avoid playing team sports at all costs. Finally, I learned that I should never let people know when they hurt me. It only encourages them, you see. It doesn't matter how badly they hurt someone, you should always turn the other cheek.

Catholic school was probably one of the worst experiences of my life. I didn't realize how badly I was being abused until several years later. Luckily, my parents finally discovered how poorly I was being treated in the middle of fifth grade. I was transfered almost immediately to the local public school system. Public school was a major improvement. My self esteem improved, I began to make friends, and my grades were fantastic.

My family and I continued to go to church, though not on such a regular basis. My parents were still very angry and resentful about how I had been treated at the school. However, in 8th grade, a new Youth Minister, Ron, was hired by the Church. What a great guy! I enthusiastically joined the Youth Group and became very involved with church events. There I felt important, needed, and respected. Soon several of my friends from school were coming to the meetings. We had a lot of fun, and frequently went out for dinner or deserts after Youth Group.

In tenth grade, I went to Owensburro, Kentucky for Spring Break with my Youth Group. We were there to work on Habitat for Humanity. I was having a great time. We were all working together for a great cause, praying, and having fun. While we were gone, my grandpa died. I didn't find out until I got home, but I was devestated. My grandfather had been sick for a long time, but I had somehow gotten it into my head that he wouldn't really die. He couldn't! Ornery though he was, he was a rock for me to cling to.

Now I truly needed spiritual guidance and help. I was in a spiritual crisis. I went to church, to youth group, I prayed. It didn't help. I began to realize how superficial Youth Group was. It wasn't about faith or God. It was all about having fun- socializing. Soon I no longer wanted to go to Mass or Youth Group. I didn't care to be involved in the church. Mass only made me feel angry, bitter, and guilty. Dispite misgivings, I decided to become confirmed in the Catholic faith in 1998. It helped for a time. But after a while, the anger and hurt returned. When my husband and I got married in September, it was not in the Catholic Church.

Four years later, I'm finally moving on. I've realized that Catholism isn't for me. While I respect the faith, I disagree with many of their beliefs and practices.

I've recently begun attending a Unitarian Universalist Church. It's a great place, and I feel truely peaceful there. They have a CUUPs (Covenant of Unitarian Universalist Pagans) group there. I attended their May Full Moon Circle and LOVED it. While I've always had a great connection to the Divine, I've never quite felt like I had a place that I could call home. And maybe some of you will tell me that I'm going to go to hell for leaving the church. But ya know what? I'd rather take that chance than continue to live a lie. Jealousy is a human emotion and I don't believe God is so limited. Just my humble opinion, but you know what they say... It takes all kinds.

And On...

Of course, I go round and round in my faith. I go back and forth between my beliefs, debating, praying, questioning. I feel alienated at times. I long to be a part of a greater spiritual community, but feel like a bit of a misfit. Not exactly Pagan, not exactly Christian, but somewhere in between, with values of both, critical of both. Why do we have to have organized religion? Sometimes it just sucks. Blah.
Late Fall 2002