LAYER ONE

LAYER TWO:

LAYER THREE:

LAYER FOUR:

-- Pepsi or Coke: Eww.
-- McDonald's or Burger King: Double Eww. I'm a Wendy's kinda gal.
-- Single or group dates: Dates? I suppose group since I always take my kids.
-- Adidas or Nike: Neither. New Balance
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Lipton. Nestea= nasty
-- Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate
-- Cappuccino or coffee: Yuck. I hate coffee.

LAYER FIVE:

-- Smoke: No
-- Cuss: sometimes
-- Sing: yes
-- Take a shower everyday: Not always, though I try.
-- Do you think you've been in love: Absolutely
-- Want to go to college: I'd love to. I wish I had the time.
-- Like(d) high school: Eh. It was OK.
-- Want to get married: I am, and I love it.
-- Believe in yourself: Generally yes.
-- Get motion sickness: Sometimes
-- Think you're attractive: Moderately.
-- Think you're a health freak: Depends on who I'm being compared too.
-- Get along with your parent(s): Yes. It's easier now that I live 2500 miles away. I miss them a lot though.
-- Like thunderstorms: Mostly no.
-- Play an instrument: No, maybe someday I'll get a piano, I might be able to learn a bit more than just picking out the notes.

LAYER SIX:

-- Drank alcohol: Yes.
-- Smoked: No.
-- Done a drug: No.
-- Made Out: Yes.
-- Gone on a date: Yes.
-- Gone to the mall?: Yes.
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos?: yes
-- Eaten sushi: Yes.
-- Been on stage: No.
-- Been dumped: No.
-- Gone skating: No.
-- Made homemade cookies: Yes.
-- Gone skinny dipping: No.
-- Dyed your hair: No.
-- Stolen anything: No.
-- You sound boring: Yeah, so?

LAYER SEVEN

-- Played a game that required removal of clothing: Yes.
-- If so, was it mixed company: Yes..
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Yes.
-- Been caught "doing something": Yes.
-- Been called a tease: Who, me?
-- Gotten beaten up: Never.
-- Shoplifted: Only as a small child.
-- Changed who you were to fit in: Yes, sadly.

LAYER EIGHT:

LAYER NINE

-- Best eye color? Blue or green
-- Best hair color? Brown
-- Short or long hair: Whatever looks best on him
-- Height: 5' 9
-- Best weight: whatever's healthy
-- Best articles of clothing: Clothes that fit
-- Best first date location: I don't know. The park?
-- Best first kiss location: The neck. ;-)

LAYER TEN:

-- Number of drugs taken illegally: 0
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: good question at least one or two.
-- Number of CDs that I own: none that are unscratched, it seems like.
-- Number of piercings: Two. My ears.
-- Number of tattoos: None.
-- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: Maybe 2 or 3.
-- Number of scars on my body: two that I can think of offhand.
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: I try to not regret things, but I can think of at least one big regret.

Well, it seems we've come to the end of the month already. It seems to have speed by at lightening speeds. I'm feeling great. We're so busy! Swimming, hiking, park days, playgroups and play dates. It's almost a relief on days when we've got no plans and we can stay home and just chill. Of course, I need to sit down sometime soon and pay the bills. Bleh. But overall, life is good.

My bipolar disorder is mostly under control for now. I've had a few days where I want the ground to swallow me up, or at least hide under my blankets and not venture out. But they are few, and I'm mostly able to talk myself through it. Cognitive behavioral therapy has been good for me. But the real ticket to keeping my mood under control seem to be diet and exercise. Getting adequate time for myself seems to play an important role too. I go out every Saturday morning for at least a few hours, and many Thursday evenings as well- I go to a DBSA support group the first, second and third Thursdays, and often head out to a coffee shop afterwards. I'll tell you what, it makes me feel real good to be a **person.**

In case you haven't noticed, I'm journaling a bit about our homeschooling adventures on my homeschooling page. It's nothing amazingly exciting, but I am enjoying it.

I've been going to weight watchers for six months now. As of yesterday, I've lost 11.4 pounds. I feel good that I've lost weight. I am, however, very disappointed that I still have such shitty self control when it comes to eating.

I've come a long way. I'm making PROGRESS. As it was pointed out at the meeting, it's not about WINNING. As Flylady often says, PROGRESS not PERFECTION.

Still, I'm disappointed. Part of me hoped that joining Weight Watchers would be some sort of magic pill. That I'd magically lose my appetite, I'm stop eating when I am full, I would choose healthy snacks or not snack at all, at least not because I'm feeling bad- lonely, angry, hurting, etc.

I pay 9.95 a week to get weighed in and sit in at as many meetings as I want. I have at least 50 pounds to get to my appropriate BMI. According to my BMI, I rate as obese. Looking at me, you probably wouldn't guess it. But it's true. Over the past 25 weeks, my weight loss has averaged out to approximately 1/2 pound a week. That's a very healthy pace, I know. But at that rate, it's going to take me roughly 1 year and 11 months to reach goal weight. If I buy the ten week coupons (at 8.95 a week), I'll have spent roughly $1135.00 on meetings alone.

I think the time has come to say, "Enough is enough." I done TRYING to lose weight. I AM losing weight. This is costing too much. My eating habits are too costly. It is affecting my whole life. Obesity puts me at greater risk for just about every health problem under the sun- diabetes, heart disease, cancer, the list goes on and on. It affects how I feel about myself. It will affect how my children look at themselves and eating.

Right here, right now, I am making a commitment. I am going to make the lifestyle changes that I need to make to lose this weight. I am going to exercise, I am going to be active. I am going to keep journaling everything that I put in my mouth, and I am going to go to meetings! I am going to drink at least eight ounces of water a day and 5 servings or more of fruits and vegetables each day.

I am not going to make all these changes in a day. Rather, I am going to work on them over time. It's going to be hard, and I'll probably get discouraged along the way. But IT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE I CAN DO THIS!!! I am going to do it for myself and for my family. Because I deserve it, and they deserve it.

Now for a test of my new commenting system...

I woke up this morning and promptly felt profoundly blue. We did a major crisis clean on Saturday. The house look awesome, and it made me feel so good. For the past four mornigs, I woke up to a clean and tidy house. Last night I did not clean up before I went to bed. So when I got up this morning, the first thing I say was STUFF on the floor and then dirty dishes and clutter all around my kitchen. So I am going post this and go to weight watchers in the hopes that my eating over the past two weeks doesn't cause a massive gain. Then I am going to come home and enjoy my family and my home, jumping in right where I am.

Having Children...

It's a topic that's been on my mind a lot over the past year or more. I "alway" knew I was going to have at least two children. Even after Jade was born, when she was still a newborn, I thought I would have another baby. Didn't feel like going through labor again anytime soon, but I wished I was still pregnant and hoped that we would have a second baby in about two years. Two years came and went and I still wasn't pregnant with number two. I wanted another BABY so bad! It was crazy. We tried for about ten months before I actually concieved. I finally realized that I had (have?) a short luteal phase, which was probably preventing me from getting pregnant and staying pregnant. If your luteal phase isn't quite long enough, the bebe can't implant!

So I was pregnant and thrilled. But... Egads! I was pregnant! Nausea, heart burn, fatigue, and then... depression and anxiety. They all hit like a MACK truck. I was suddenly terrified. What was I thinking?! I couldn't have a baby, I could hardly take care of the little one I had. Not to mention the COST of giving birth in the Bay Area. I was determined to have a homebirth, but then I realized how much it would cost me and when the payments would be due by. I was majorly bummed and freaked out by it all. I mentioned my feelings to a fellow mother. She told me it was normal to be scared and nervous, but I was going to love the baby and I was a great mom. I told myself she was right even as I cursed myself. My silent, internal mantra was "I am NEVER going to do this again." It quietly attached itself to all my pregnancy and birth related thoughts. Whispering form the dark corners of my mind, the comment would follow up everything.

March rolls around and my baby should be born any time. "He" finally arrived March 27, 2002, and it was love at first sight. Before first sight! I was amazed and elated. But my post-(unassisted) birthtime elation was followed by an unpleasant hospital trip.

I felt confused, distressed, afraid. It all turned out all right, but it marred the experience. Instead of associating joy and triumph with birth, there are remanents of fear and pain. In the aftermath of our hospital visit, I vowed that I would *NEVER* do *THAT* again. I've gone back and forth on the issue. Sometimes I think that I'd like another child. Oh, the wonder and awesomeness of babies and children. The miracle of birth. The beauty and sacredness of pregnancy. Other times I am truly and honestly convinced that there will be no more children coming forth from my womb.

I've asked my dh to get a vasectomy. I don't know if he will. I doubt it. I can hope, I guess. I feel like with my mood disorder, I don't deserve, and should not have, any more kids. I couldn't handle them. I can't keep up with the two I have sometimes. The issues surrounding birth and pregnancy are just too much for me. The physical and emotional dificulties, the decisions that would need to be made, the expense of a birth, and the fears. How could I ever? But in the end, at this point of my life, it's a rhetorical question. Nick and I are growing and changing and maturing. I currently infertile, and hoping to stay that way as long as possible. Maybe I have six months or more of infertility, I don't know. I can hope. :-) At some point, yes I will need to decide, thankfully that time is not now. So here I am, continuing to mull.

Just wanted to say that in addition to posting here on smartaustin.com, I'm also writing (publically, that is) at For Crying Out Loud!

Oh, and while I am here writing, I just want to say how much I love my awesome husband Forrest. He is amazing. I feel so very, very luckily to have him as my spouse. I know that sometimes I can be a TOTAL bitch, yelling and screaming, and generally saying hurtful things that I really don't mean. But he alway forgives me. I feel bad that I have to be like that to him.

According to the SelectSmart.com Belief System Selector, my #1 belief match is Liberal Quakers. What do you believe? Visit SelectSmart.com/RELIGION

Personally, I see myself as more of a neo-Pagan- My number two match at 99%.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NICK!!

Today is my dear hubby's twenty-fourth birthday. He slept in this morning, then heading in to work around 10:30. He asked for fajiatas fo dinner which I am attempting to make with Jade's "help." For dessert Jade and I are making a Peanut Butter Chocolate Oatmeal Cake. Here's the recipe we used:

1/2 cup margarine
1/2 cup rolled oats
1 1/2 cup brown sugar
4 tbsp. cocoa
1 cup boiling water
2 tbsp nut butter alternately you can use 2 eggs
1 cup flour
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp baking powder

Pour boiling water over the margarine, oats, brown sugar and cocoa. Add peanut butter. (Or beat two eggs and add to the mixture.) Add remaining ingredients. Mix. Bake in 9 inch pan at 350 for 30 min, or until centre springs back.

For what it's worth though, I didn't care much for the way the cake turned out. Not sure exactly what I did wrong, but it was something.

I am thinking about becoming a distributor for Mexican Rebozos. They are so beautiful! I got my first one as a gift after lusting after it for over a year. The initial investment will be around $200, which is steep. But really, I want so much to get other mamas into sling wearing. It would almost be a hobby (or a mission, lol!), not a money making scheme. And as a distributor, I get my slings at wholesale, which means I can give all my new mommy friends relatively inexpensive baby gifts (as such things go). What I'd really love to do is run a store selling "attached mama and papa products." Wouldn't that be fun?