Old Madness
Homeschooling Madness
Other Madness
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Restin' my weary feet
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then Movin' on, Movin' On... |
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Ya know, I thought I was done, but...
I'm not done. I'm feeling really pissed. Why has so much of the past two months been so shitty? It's NOT FAIR. It makes me feel REALLY REALLY ANGRY. I want a break!
I am very, very thankful for me boy. He's so precious, such a blessing. My girls are great too, but DAMN, I wish they'd stop fighting! No more messes, either! Enough already! My husband is trying hard, but I think he is clueless.
Since I am just going to let loose and let it all out, I am going to bitch about everything I am angry about:
-Why the HELL is my house so freaking trashed?! I mean really, is it SO hard to put your dishes and utensils in the sink or dishwasher??
-WTF is with the crap all over the kitchen floor? Seriously. I keep sweeping and sweeping, and somehow, the pile of orange peels, popcorn, dry pinto beans, and dirt never seems to get smaller. Where the hell is it all comeing from?
-I know not all doctors suck. But why do some doctors have to be such schmucks? Seriously- discharge, at 6 weeks postpartum is NOT abnormal. No need to make me feel icky or dirty. FURTHERMORE, discharge is NOT always an indication of an infection. And beyond that, breastfeeding IS, in FACT, a pretty effective method of birth control. Yes, there are women out there who get pregnant while fully breastfeeding, but given my history, You can go to hell with you, "Make sure you use condoms" advise. If I get pregnant while tandeming, fully breastfeeding, and following ALL the ecological breastfeeding rules (in spite of my previous "infertility," well, then that's a sign that it's meant to be.
-If I send you something to add to your calendar, with you as a participant, and you don't know exactly what it is or what I am expecting from you, PLEASE CALL OR EMAIL ME TO FIND OUT MORE DETAILS!!! Don't wait until the last minute and tell me you can't do it, forcing me to find someone else to help me out at 8 o'clock at night when I needed you the ext morning at 9!
-If I ask you to do something, either do it, or be very up front about the fact that you can't or wont. Don't let me continue on in my foolish expectations, only to be crushed or angry later on when you don't follow through.
-Why the hell is it so hard for me ask for help? Or even to accept it from friends when it's offered?
-Why are so many healthcare professional so breastfeeding negative?
-My kids are so freaking distructive. If they weren't I'd own a infant swing and take a few minutes to rest my arms. I am so freaking tired.
I am so freaking tired. I need some help.
Tomorrow:
-Drop off girls at friends house
-Take Elliott to horrible appointment
-Slam head against wall repeated
-Buy aforementioned friend and children lunch
-Attempt to accomplish cleaning
-Fail miserably
-Attempt to contact sitter or cleaner
-Attempt to get "school" done
-Spend three or more hours laying in bed, nursing, or boucing baby
-Make nasty frozen meal
-Beg busy, overworked husband to come home before a mental breakdown occurs
-Fall into bed exhausted, but watch lame shows from the 80s instead of falling directly asleep.
01/24/05
talk to me
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Dear Self:
I know life has been really crazy lately and you are feeling super stressed about it all. So I am writing just to tell you: It's going to be OK. I know it's hard to believe right now. You keep thinking that the crisis is over, or just about, but it seems to go on and on. Rest assured, it will pass. You will be okay.
At times, you probably want to scream and cry with anger, rage, sadness, frustration. All that is okay. You wont feel like this forever. Keep taking babysteps, loving yourself and your family, and it will pass.
Before you know it, this will all be a distant memory. Be gentle on yourself and those around you, and savor the happy, peaceful, and calm moments. In time you'll cherish these memories, the love, maybe even the struggles that are shaping your life.
Change and growth hurt sometimes. But it passes. More often than not, it all turns out OK.
Sincerely:
Someone Who Loves
01/24/05
talk to me
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I'm getting by...
Life has been pretty chaotic the past two months, but I think things may be on the upswing.
Elliot was in the hospital two weeks ago, for two days. He had a urinary tract infection. I was a pretty awful experience, but the nurses did their best to be helpful kind and respectful, and I am grateful that things weren't worse than they were. One last test, a VCUG, will be done tomorrow, to make sure that there isn't an underlying physical abnormality that caused the infection.
Nova and Jade had the pukes the next few days after we came home. Nick got it too, but thankfully E and I escaped mostly unscathed- just some loose bowels for the two of us. But anyway, ick!
We're still preparing to move. We seem to have found the place we want, but haven't heard back from the rentees. It's a nice place just a few miles from Nick's work, a three bedroom duplex. I think we'll be using one of the rooms for a family/ entertainment room, and the other two for bedrooms. I'm no where near ready to move out though. It's getting tiresome, and I wish we could just get it over with. I feel angry that my husband hasn't been able to step up to the plate more, but I know it isn't totally his fault.
I am praying that life smoothes out for me soon. I'm feeling lonely and abandoned much of the time, although I have lots of friends that want to help and support me. I don't or can't ask for what I need.
01/24/05
talk to me
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Mama's Wish List
Yeah, I know, I know.
I am SUCH a beggar. |
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