Laura's the name.

This Mama's Madness is a place for me... Yes, me, the self-absorbed, crazy bipolar, redunant, would-be writer and stay-at-home mom who just who happens to be homeschooling her oldest daughter and generally just trying to get through the day. While we are talking labels, I'm an attachment parenter, part time cloth diaperer, part time ec'er, and ecological breastfeeder. Want More?

...

Both of my girls are asleep, in their own bed, and own room. Half my kitchen floor is swept and mopped. (We wont discuss the other half.) My laundry is damn near caught up. (Nevermind the fact that I spent 3+ hours and $31 at the laundrymat yesterday to get it that way.) My dishes are (mostly) clean or in the dishwasher. And now it is time for me to treat myself to a luxurious bubble bath. If your really lucky, I'll come back to tell you more.

But suffice to say, I'm still around, feeling healthier, and keeping busy with LIVING. Love to all my family and friends. Hope you are well.

She says I have the flu. And to go to the ER if I have a stiff neck or headache again, and get a full workup. Ugh, yeah, okay.

Not. She also wants me to come back in on Monday for a followup. I don't know how that's going to work. We're so broke.

My temp seems to be back to normal now. I'm taking 600 or 800 mg of ibprofen every 6 hours. I feel like death if I don't take it on time. I can't remember ever being this sick before, except maybe when I was hospitalized when I was 5. I've had plenty of colds, sore throats, and ear infections, but I think this maybe my first bout with the flu? I'll be glad when it's over.

I'm just sore all over, so I guess I'll stop in and say hello. I think maybe I have the flu? Or a sinus infection, perhaps. Fever got up to 101 this morning, so Nick made me take some ibeprofen and milk. I feel better now, but my body aches. I'm getting hungry, which seems like a good sign. Blah, Blah, Blah.

I went to my appointment last week. The cyst is still there, but it looks like we're going to continue to ingnore it for a while. It seems to be benign, and she can't guarentee that if it's removed, it wont grow right back. We also ran some bloodwork, and I'll most likely get the results sometime next week.

Nick is still job hunting. He has several potentials lined up, so I'm just hoping one comes through so he can start on February 1st.

I'm coping with the winter blues. I've been feeling pretty lonely and apathetic, and whenever I go out into social events, it seems like I end up feeling uncomfortable- an outsider, misunderstood, ignored or ostracisized, etc. I wish I had a real "best friend" like during high school. You know what I mean, right? A same-sex friend that you can stop over their house any time and they invite you in to veg, gossip, and eat unhealthy junk food. You never feel out of place, and you can say whatever is on your mind.

This evening is "Ed Talk." I'm hoping that I get to go, but I'm not sure when to expect Nick home. Guess I'll just have to wait and see. :-)

I'm getting ready to leave now. I have the intense desire to throw up. The girls are going with me. I hope they behave.

I'm feeling very anxious and scared. My breakfast isn't setting very well. Ugh. Time to get the girls dressed and out the door.

I am going to get dressed, put on my shoes and go outside.

...Really....

Honest, I am...

I'm getting there....

I hate winter. It is SO SO HARD.

I'm sitting at the computer. Nova sits on my lap, trying to get me to read to her. Nick and Jade are softly snoring in the waterbed, just a few feet away. It seems that Jade may (or may not) have chickenpox. I went to the store this eveing to get some calamine. Before I left, I asked her if there was anything special she wanted me to get. Her reply? "Ummmm.... Bananas and pears. I think we're all out?" Awww! She is SO darn cute!

Nick is making slow progress on getting a new job. I'm starting to get antsy. Praying he gets SOMETHING by the 15th.

I have two doctor appointments on the 12th. My Gyn wants to cut out my cyst. So I'll see her at 9 am and then at 1 pm I'll see a reproductive endocrinologist. Praying that they do an ultrasound and (Tada!) the cyst will be gone. Not holding my breath. It's either surgery by the 15th, or after our new policy kicks in, which will most likely be at least 2 weeks, but we're probably looking at 6-8. Surgery sucks.

So Saturday I went to Weight Watchers to weigh in. Of course, I gained, as I expected, but that's not the point to this post. In 3 1/2 weeks, I'll have been attending Weight Watchers meeting for a year. This weekend we talked about mission statements, investments, payoff, etc. It got me thinking about what I have achieved over the past year, and what I hope to acheive in 2004. That made me feel so damn good! Not just good, but DAMN good.

In January 2003, I:

• Weighed in at just over 200 lbs, and had a BMI of 34.
• Had a borderline high blood pressure of almost 140/90.
• Struggled with walking a quarter mile or less to take my kids to the pool.
• Hated the way I looked and felt.
• Ate emotionally and without restraint, binge eating often.

Over the course of 2003, I have:

• Lost over 10% of my initial bodyweight, AND gotten my BMI under 30.
• Lowered my bloodpressure to around 120/70
• Become active in my life, biking, walking, swimming, and now, even rollar blading!
• Started to feel good about how I look and feel
• Learned to HALT and recognize when I am Hungery, Angery/ Anxious, Lonely, or Tired. I rarely binge eat, and when I do, I'm usually able to stop myself, fogive myself, and start over with loving myself.

So Saturday I wrote my Winning Outcome for 2004. I know what I want and I am going to acheive it. I can and WILL lose weight to improve my health.

• I will lower my insulin resistance and get my insulin level under 12.
• I will attain a BMI under 25 (Which means I'll have lost another 17% based on where I am right now)
• I'll have fun, playing actively with my children and LOVING myself.
• I'll take the time to plan and cook delicious, nutritious meals.

I feel really good about all that I've accomplished over the past year. I feel very proud of myself, and I am ready to continue on this journey. I had considered quitting WW while Nick is unemployed, but if all goes well, that wont even be an issue. For now, I'm going to use the new FastTrak guide to jump start my weight loss for 2004, journalling everything I eat, "exercising" at least twice a week (rollar blading!!), and drinking my water. I'd like to get another 5 lb star when I weigh in on the 31st.