It's been ages since I've posted with anything resembling regularity, so I'm betting nobody reads here any more. But, here's a bit of This Mama's Madness:
Elliott is four months today. As of this morning, he now knows how to roll over- both ways- and suck his thumb. It's a little bittersweet. I'm trying to savor every moment of his babyhood, but it's tough with everything that's going on in our life these days. I find myself wondering things like, "Am I feeding him enough?" I keep putting off sitting down to nurse because there's always something I need to do. Or I think, "How much time is too much for him to be sitting in the swing while I try to {fill in the blank}? Am I doing neurological damage to my kid because I can't get the dishes done to save my life?"
Elliott is a big boy. I adore him. Spit up and all. His skin is soft and he's got get big chubby thighs and ankles. He giggles with I bathe him or wipe him after a diaper change. He still likes to be reclined in the sling most of the time, like new babies often do. He sleeps best if he's in the dark- if we're out, I often have to put a blanket over him so he can fall asleep. But then, he can't STAY asleep, so I sometimes feel like th effort is wasted. It's not of course. But it's different having three kids. I miss two at times. Hell, I miss one, and none too! But I am so grateful to have these kids in my life. I feel extremely blessed.
Nova is three. She has officially changed her name to Princess. She will play in the sandbox for hours, and prefers to do so in the fanciest dress she can find, along with her super junky, used, yellow rubber boots.
Nova is very sensitive. She has more trouble communicating in words when she's stressed than Jade did at this age. Or maybe she's just stressed more, I don't know. Jade didn't have a big sister that liked to make her cry.
Jade is, of course, six and a half. This kid makes me crazy! She's so creative and energetic and smart. I can't keep up with her. I feel like a cruel and terrible mother some days because I have to say, "No. Enough. I need a break and you're just going to have to deal with it."
We're still homeschooling. With all the difficulties that have popped up the past year, I didn't know if I could keep it up. But we have. I need to believe that it's for the best. I believe that Jade is growing and maturing and happy and learning, so that'll have to be enough.
Both girls (usually) attend Country Kids once a week for a few hours while I have some me time. Lisa runs her program for kids 1(ish) to 6(ish) and we're really happy with it. Lisa will be homeschooling her daughter next year, and Jade is going to be allowed to continue to attend. In fact, I may be working there as an assistant some days to help foot the bill. I really enjoy being there with the kids, and I feel like it helps me to stay sane. (Did I mention it's been a really tough year?)
I am working to move on with myself and make myself happier with me. I continue to stay home with the kids, and for the most part, I feel really good about that decision. Nick and I feel like I'm making a valuable contribution to our family. His feeling that way REALLY makes me feel appreciated. It's easy to get frustrated and discouraged when you keep doing the same shit over and over again and it seems like nothing ever changes.
Now that we have three babies, I find that it's tough to take time for me. But I am making a real effort not to get burnt out. It's a fine line to walk, between stretching to meet everyone's needs and neglicting your own (Thus cracking.)
I was telling my mom that I have things I want to do before I even consider whether or not I want to have more kids. She wanted to know, "Like what?" Like all kinds of things. Of course, I want to get fit. This is something that I've been working on for a while. I want to take some time to develop Laura. Not Mommy, or Nick's wife, but Laura. I want to work on some hobbies. I want to get a garden going, and sew. I want to go hiking, and camping. I want to explore the area parklands, and travel a little bit. In a few years, after I've hit my goal weight, I plan on taking a cruise to someplace tropical, WITHOUT my kids. Maybe I'll take a few classes- interior design, or pottery, or gormet cooking. These are all things that I CAN do with a little one, but it is hard.
I belive in phasing my life. I chose to switch around the phases by having my family young. When I made that choice, I said, "I can be 40 years old and do whatever, and I wont have little kids underfoot. I'll still be young and have the tough early years of parenting behind me." Now maybe I'll be 40 and have a two year old. But I am not going to spend every one of the next 15 to 20 years pregnant or nursing, and not knowing who I am or who I want to be. When someone asks me what kinds of things I like to do for fun, I don't what to stare at them dumbly, saying, "Uhh... Sleep?" I don't wnat to be so freaking boring that nobody wants to talk to me. Grandmothers and friends of toddlers don't mind being regaled with stories of projectile spit up, nuts up your 2 year olds nose, and potty training, but other twenty and thirty somethings are less than keen to hear about it ALL THE TIME.
Oh wow. That turned into kind of a rant.
Um yeah. So I'm working on doing things for me. Right now, I am:
- Going to a weight watchers meeting every week
- Working on improving my fitness through regular activity, including walking at least 3 days a week
- Working on a container garden
- And, oddly enough, (as always) attempting to get my home clean and organized so that I don't go crazy fromt he chaos.
04/10/05
talk to me
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